The 6 Types of Loving Relationships

Just relax and breathe deeply and slowly for a few moments and think about the most romantic, passionate, sensual and loving moments in your life.

What were you doing….. seeing…… hearing and feeling in those magic moments?

What would you be willing to do, or give up doing, to experience these beautiful moments regularly and consistently in your life?

What would you do differently?

What would you be willing to go through or give to take your relationship to that level of magic now?

What has prevented and stopped you from experiencing this level of love and passion consistently in your life?

What have you failed to do or say?

What must change now?

Just daydream, reflect and ponder on those questions quietly over the next few days and notice what comes into your mind.

The 6 Levels of Love

The secret to creating and experiencing an extraordinary and fulfilling relationship is to first work on you!

If you know who you are and what you can give to your partner then you really are on the right path to happiness and fulfilment.

There are 6 Levels of love in a relationship:

1. A wonderful relationship with love and passion. 2. A relationship with love, but little or no passion. 3. A relationship with not much love and not much passion. 4.You are already planning your escape strategy. 5.You’re not currently in a relationship, but want to be in one. 6.You’re not in a relationship and you don’t want to be in one.

Points to Ponder!

• Which type of relationship are you in at the moment?

• Why?

• How would you rate your current relationship with your partner on a 1- 10?  (10 being the best and 1  the worst)

• Is it everything you hoped for or has it become squeezed down your list of priorities since having children and lost it’s sparkle due to what I call the “socks and pants” of  family life – the daily trivia of school runs and ironing?

• Do you think it’s naïve to think you can have a wonderfully fulfilling relationship with your partner long term?

• What things do you do to consistently improve and nurture your relationship?

• What things could you stop doing that would help the relationship?

• What things could you start to do that would nurture and improve the relationship? What can you do to change first? (make a cup of tea for your partner when they’ve come in from work instead of launching in about your day, ask an interesting  question to get your partner talking and opening up and really listen to the answer, make a date to go out alone without the kids once a month, bite your tongue about the socks on the floor and the undone ironing as it doesn’t really make for a great loving relationship long term if you constantly nag, could you smile more and frown less?)

• What would be the benefits to you, your partner and your children if you started to do these things more often?

• What’s stopping you?

• Are you waiting for your partner to change?

• What would happen if you realised that’s never going to happen?

• How would it feel to make your own changes anyway?

• How would you feel about yourself?

• What emotions would you start to feel inside if you knew you were doing your best daily anyway?

• How would you know that your relationship was improving?

• How could you get addicted to finding out what your partner really liked, enjoyed and wanted within your relationship?

• How could you get addicted to finding out what their dreams are now, what makes them laugh, what their fears are and what their needs are?

The 3 Characteristics of Relationships

Characteristic One:  The Egocentric Level – It’s all about me.

If you are in this type of relationship your focus is consistently on what you are getting from the relationship and you try to control things in the relationship based on the outside, external view of the world according to your needs, wants, beliefs and rules.

Characteristic Two:  The Ethnocentric Level – It’s all about equality.

If you are in this type of relationship your focus is on meeting both your needs – yours as well as your partners. Your belief is “I’ll take care of my needs and you’ll take care of your own needs. We will try to take care of each other, but if I can’t meet all of your needs then I’m out of this relationship”

Characteristic Three:  The Spirit-Centric Level – Your needs are my needs.

In this stage of a relationship, you both take responsibility for how the other person feels. You will not stop for any reason until your partner’s needs are met.

Points to Ponder!

• How would you describe which level you have been playing at in your relationship up until now?

• How have you been consistently relating in the relationship with your partner up until now?

• How would you describe where your partner has been operating?

• What have been the consequences of living in this way?

Let’s be honest – parenthood is a full time job and it can be overwhelming, exhausting and challenging as well as joyful, rewarding and  fulfilling – so it naturally changes your relationship but does it automatically have to dull the excitement and variety  in your relationship?

Your intimate relationship is actually the foundation upon which your entire family is built.

It’s actually about putting your relationship first and your kids second?

So what have you discovered by asking yourself these questions?

What small changes can you commit to making this week to improve, ignite or revive your relationship?

So are you ready to give it a go and try it out for just a month and be really curious to see what happens?

Relationships get tired, strained and familiar but with a small shift in focus and commitment you can have the relationship you truly deserve and have always dreamed of.

You don’t have to be a trained masseuse to give your partner an indulgent experience. Why not take turns to give each other a DIY Spa treatment of choice? Team that with a glass of your favourite tipple and your favourite CD and you are quid’s in!

Do you remember the old days before you had kids when going to the cinema was a regular treat? Why not re-visit those days? With everyone jumping on the Valentine’s bandwagon, it may be difficult to get a babysitter but you could always catch a matinee.

Some people like to make their own gifts, so get creative and head to a craft store together and give each other a budget and a time deadline in which you have to make something for the other person. It will keep you busy all day and give you something fun to talk about at night as you reveal what you have made for one another!

Another good option is to buy or make false flowers instead of spending lots on real ones. This way they can be a reminder all year round of your love for each other and won’t need to be replaced so quickly. You could set up a tradition where you put one flower in the vase each year and take turns supplying it and watch your love grow over the years!

Valentine’s Day is a lovely excuse to celebrate being with those you love. You can even get the whole family involved. Why not spend the day simply relaxing as a family and spending some quality time together? Put your pyjamas on; get some comfy cushions, some treats and chill out. That way you can all share the experience of being calm and serene in this manic world with one another.

Make your family’s heart smile with these lovely relaxation exercises:

Smiling Heart: Close your eyes and take a deep breath in through your nose (slowly), and then out through your mouth.  Put your hand on your chest and spend a few moments feeling calm and relaxed.  Now, imagine that you have a smile in your heart.  Watch how you start to have loving feelings. Can you send that smile up to your face?  Let your mouth smile gently.  Breathe in and out and rest there for a few moments.  Now open your eyes and see how different you all feel.

Love Picture: Write the word LOVE as large as possible in graffiti type letters on paper and let your child colour in the word.  They can add pictures of things that help them feel calm.  Let them use calming colours – anything to create an image of calm.  Tell children to stare at the picture and see how loving they can feel.  Then ask them to close their eyes and make the picture very small – like a postage stamp.  Tell children they can keep this little picture anywhere they like in their body – their heart, head, finger.  Whenever they are feeling stressed and anxious, they can look at their calm picture and feel loving.

Smelling Roses: Imagine you are smelling beautiful fragrant roses in the garden. Take in a deep breath and see if you can smell the wonderful roses. Concentrate as hard as you can, enjoying the soft scent of the roses.

(Sniff and sigh.)

Pick up a pen and curl your hand around it with palm of your hand face down.  Then open your hand, release the pen and watch it fall to the floor.  It’s gone.  Now pick up the pen, grasp it again, but this time with palm facing upwards.  Now open your hand and notice the pen remains.  Yet the tension of grasping has gone, your hand is relaxed and the pen is still there when you need it.

This perfectly describes what we do in our mind with almost everything and everyone in our life. While we can use our hand to physically grasp occasional objects we use our mind to grasp the images of objects, ideas, other people, memories, beliefs, hopes etc.  And just as there is tension in the muscles of a grasping hand so we create ‘mental tension’ when we grasp and attempt to hold to anything with our minds.  In fact this is where all our tensions, which means all our fears, have their origins, in our grasping minds.

Mental (and physical) relaxation and renewal will not be possible until we learn to ‘hold openly’, without grasping, in our mind whatever needs to be held at any given moment.  Good decision making will be difficult until we release our mental attention from its habit of grasping and make it available to a wider and deeper awareness.

When we are ‘busy’ grasping the pen within our hand all our physical energy travels to grip the pen, all our attention surrounds the pen and we see only what may threaten to remove the pen from our grasp.  This shuts down our awareness of what’s going on around us, behind us, above us, in front of us.  When we are busy grasping our awareness diminishes and it’s as if we ‘shrink’ our self around what we grasp.  Our universe becomes small and limited by what we grasp.

And so it is with our mind.  It’s here that we create and grasp at the images of things, people, places, positions, memories, ideas, beliefs.  It is here that we attempt to ‘hold on’ to the things we fear losing.  And so we create ‘mental tension’, narrow and shrink our awareness and limit our capacity to see more broadly and with greater depth the big picture of life as it happens around us and within us. Our attention and awareness are not free to support our intellect which is where we make our decisions and choices.  Our awareness is not open to receiving and passing on to our intellect whatever insight or wisdom it requires to create those decisions.

Returning to the ‘pen in hand’ metaphor, if we do not relax our grip of the pen it cannot be used by anyone else.  And if the pen continues to fill the space of our hand it means our hand is not free to receive and hold anything new.  And so it is with our mind.  When we use our mind as a way of grasping and holding on to things, people, memories etc. our mental space is not only tense but it is always occupied, busy being closed around the ideas and images of what we are grasping.  So we close our self to the river of life itself, which is continuously bringing ‘the new’ towards us in the form of new opportunities, new relationships, new ideas and, from within, new insights.  Being so busy grasping we make our self oblivious to what is attempting to enter the universe of our awareness.

This is why so many of us regularly get that feeling of ‘stuckness’.  The feeling that nothing is changing in our life.  It seems that we are just going through the same monotonous patterns each day.  If you feel this then take a moment and look behind this feeling, this pattern, and you will likely see something that you are habitually grasping within your mind.  You will likely notice that’s what is closing down your awareness which means your ability to be open and to see and receive ‘the new’.

Sometimes we may complain of the dullness that comes with a sense of ‘stuckness’ but fail to see this deeper mental cause.  While we may say we long for the new, for the different, for something to ‘break’ the patterns of a predictable life, in truth, it’s more likely we have wedded our self to the very circumstances we bemoan.  Otherwise we wouldn’t complain, even to ourselves, but would act enthusiastically to seek, invite, invoke, attract, create a new way forward.  Instead of standing guard at the gates of our comfort zone, in which we are probably tolerably uncomfortable, we would be flinging those gates open and inviting the river to flow through and into our vast and unlimited mental space.  Hence it takes a little courage to see and consciously release what we habitually grasp with our minds.  Only then can you allow your awareness and your vision to be filled with new possibilities.

Conversely, and somewhat paradoxically, many do say that they are ready for change, that they crave for the new job, the new way of life, the new opportunity, that this in itself becomes what they attempt to grasp mentally before it shows up in reality.  So that when it does show up they are still too busy grasping the images of possibility they are not able to recognize and embrace the reality of new opportunities when the river of life does bring it their way!

Hence the wisdom that we all seem to know in our heart of hearts – grasp nothing, relax your grip on everything, stay open, be free, embrace whatever and whoever enters the gates of your awareness and maintain the faith that the river of life itself will bring exactly what you need at each and every moment. Remember, the river flows in both directions – from outside in and inside out!

Question: What do you sense is underlying any feelings of sickness?

Reflection:  Resistance leads to persistence – why is it that whatever you resist just gets stronger?

Action: Take five minutes at the end of each day this week and review the day for moments of ‘mental grasping’.

We often hear talk about the power of the mind, the power of the elements, but rarely talk on the power of colour, so here is a brief synopsis.

Everything in our world consists of colour, the source of all life requires sunshine to survive, when sunshine is shone through a prism we are able to see the visible colour spectrum that it contains. As also after rain when the sunshine shines through we also get to experience the natural beauty of the colours in the rainbow.

Each colour vibrates at a different frequency, which will compliment the different vibrations of your body, as with sound and aromatherapy which are also based on varying vibration.

As with hearing a certain piece of music or smelling a certain scent will affect our mood and how we are feeling, so colour affects our moods, the way we feel and can support the healing process.

There are many ways that we can influence the flow of colour in our lives, such as through the colour of food we eat, interior decoration, clothes we wear to name a few.

The colours we like also paint a picture of our personality and personal characteristics for example pink people are often drawn towards work that involves looking after others in some way. Nursing, counselling or other therapeutic occupations, childcare, primary school teaching, social work, care for elderly. Pink people are also imaginative and creative with a natural sense of beauty and might well be drawn towards creative arts such as interior design, stage set design, advertising or other media work which caters for the expression of their artistic flair to grow and nurture.

So enjoy the power of colour and live a life full of rainbows.

“This year I am running the Nurture group within the school and have really managed to help enhance these sessions by using relaxation techniques and exercises. I have linked the Relax Kids resources to the Boxall Profile used by many schools as a way to assess the children in the Nurture Groups. I also deliver weekly sessions to children in Reception and will soon be delivering the 8 week Chill Skills course toYR6 in preparation for their exams. Relaxation can really help them manage their revision and provides transferable skills that will encourage them to concentrate in the exam situation. “Lunchtime Chill” continues to be popular with the children and the Star Cards have become a favourite with Teachers. Most classes use the Relax Kids resources daily. They have seen the impact it has had on each others pupils and have all got involved. Relaxation is great for people of all ages and the exercises can be simply adapted to fit the audience.

Here are what some of the teachers at Upperby Primary have to say:”

Jane Hodgson, the Head Teacher at Upperby states Relax Kids has “done her pupils the world of good.” She says “it puts children in the right frame of mind to be responsive to learning.  It is a calming influence and it helps them focus. We need to get children into it as early as possible, so they can use it effectively throughout School.”

‘Relax Kids was used extensively in our Class last year.  The children thoroughly enjoyed all the sessions and greatly benefited from them; they were more relaxed, in control of their emotions and able to deal positively with many difficult situations.  This year we have used different Relax Kids visualisations CDs before we tackle writing tasks, which some of our children find to be quite a stressful experience.  It certainly seems to relax them and gets them to focus on their strengths and put them into a more positive frame of mind before they start work.” (Miss Greggan, Year 5 and 6)

“Using the star cards is a great opportunity for children to learn new vocabulary and understand different feelings.  It really helps them get better at expressing their emotions and needs. We use the star cards every day. The child who is the star for the day discusses what it means to them before personifying it for the day”. (Mrs Ainsworth)

Jade – a student at Upperby says that her “favourite CD is the Princesses one” and that she “enjoys looking at the star poster when visiting the Wishing Well as it inspires her” – an exercise developed to help children empower themselves.

Mrs Alderson – another teacher – enjoys using all the resources with the children, teaching them breathing exercises on a regular basis and has incorporated “I can do it” as a class affirmation, to keep kids motivated. In fact, she says they now have a “You Can Do It” school motto.

Mr Prince was new to Relax Kids only just starting at Upperby School last year .Mr Prince said “I enjoyed the sessions that Mel delivered last year with my year 5 class and my favourite CD was “Superheroes” – we all want to be a hero! This year I am using the “Relaxed and Ready to Learn” CD within the classroom.”

The Lunchtime Chill group worked together to create a Relax Kids display in the cloakroom – together, they wrote nice words in the grass, made fabulous flowers and beautiful butterflies.

For more information on how relaxation can benefit your school, visit www.relaxkids.com and see if there is a Relax Kids teacher near you who could come in and complete a session with your pupils.

Alternatively, why not book on one of the Training Weekends where you receive over £160 of resources and learn relaxation techniques to use with your class.

Help create a generation of calm, confident kids in chaotic times.

Creating a working partnership between parents and teachers is an integral part of education. Don’t be a school that misses out. Take the time to strengthen your relationships with the parents of your students and encourage higher levels of happiness and wellbeing in your institution this year! Often, the alliance between parents and teachers can be a strange one. Some parents may be more proactively involved in school life than others and it can be difficult to stimulate those who were not particularly excited by education in their youth. However, here are some reasons why the “parent partnership” is so important that may help persuade even the most disinterested parent into working with the school rather than against it.

Consistent: When parents and teachers communicate with each other, the messages that are supplied about the world can be consistent. The “where did you get that bit of information from…” atmosphere at home can diminish. Inform the parents of your students about the subjects that they will be learning and the outcomes that will be stressed. This gives parents the chance to discuss any issues that they may have, equally, they may have some knowledge that you, as the teacher, do not. You may be able to arrange that parents with relevant skills come in and talk to the class. Some parents may be a bit dubious about this – they may worry that their children will feel this is an intrusion into their school life. However, if it is an activity that occurs regularly, then they will expect their parents to come into school to make a positive contribution to their learning and it will become a topic of conversation at the dinner table and with peers that is considered acceptable.

Progress: By introducing an action plan with a parent, perhaps at the start of the school year, both teachers and parents can feel as though they have an active role to play in monitoring progress. Many schools opt for reward charts/homework diaries as they encourage active behaviour from both parties. If parents are better informed as to how to fill in these homework diaries and the like, rather than simply sign that their child has completed the work, then they can actively support their child’s learning. You could set up online forums as equivalents to homework diaries. Parents can have individual log in and password details that the child does not have access to. This helps prevent forging of signatures and also allows parents to communicate confidentially, rather than have the child take home a hard copy that they can read. It also means that parents and teachers can interact about subjects that may be difficult in a face to face situation.

Respect: If a positive relationship is established between parents and teachers, then the pupils will have a respectful attitude towards their peers. There have been many reports particularly of late which communicate the bad behaviour that some members of today’s youth display in the classroom. By talking to the parents directly about this notion, they will be able to help prevent this from happening. Parents need to also speak respectfully of the teacher when in the home, so that children are aware that they need to look up to the teacher and behave in a positive manner that encourages learning.

Inform: You could provide worksheets for parents that are available on the school website. How many times have we said, “Oh I was taught that, but I never used it…”! Actively informing parents about the topics that are being taught allows them to remain involved and supportive, keep their own minds fresh and active and mean that they can assist with homework. Create interactive tools and web learning, so that parents feel as though they are equipped to help with their child’s homework. It will have been a while since they were at school remember!

Debate: As with any kind of relationship, there are bound to be differences in opinion. Debates are ok and healthy and also show your students show to handle such situations. Any kind of debate needs to be actively managed so that it doesn’t become a competitive situation, merely a representation that there are different sides to different arguments. Perhaps have an adjudicator who is impartial or even a student able to demonstrate such skills?

There are many ways that parents can get involved in encouraging a healthy and happy school environment by partnering with teachers. Hold events throughout Autumn and Winter such as Harvest auctions or cooking feasts for fireworks nights. Explain that it does not need to be the school governors who are involved in these things. If each parent helped at an event once a year, then everyone would feel involved and it would share the workload. Parties and balls are another good example – how was your event at Christmas?  Perhaps one of your quieter parents is an interior designer in their day job, why not look for their skills and approach them about tasks they would find interesting. The more personal the invitation, the better.

The Parent Partnership can still work at the dreaded Parents Evening. Teachers should book appointments with all students, not just their high achievers. You need to be able to offer feedback to all of them to create a positive relationship with all of them.

Here are 5 tips on how to make your Parents Evening a partnership this term:

1. Create some team spirit! Explain to parents that you support their children as much as you can but that you need them to share the vision and do x, y and z back at home so that the results gained are from a joint effort. Make sure that you speak to both parents so that it doesn’t become a battleground. This is particularly important where the parents may be separated.

2. Give examples! Teachers should always be constructive, rather than critical, with regards to bad behaviour. Give examples of behaviour that you would like to see improve, so that parents can look for it at home. Explain why you think their child behaves in the way that they do; for example, perhaps the child is rather irritable before lunch – is this because they are hungry? Are they like this before dinner time at home?

3. Question time! Allow parents a chance to talk and communicate their feelings with you. Some parents may not know what to ask, so you may be able to offer some suggestions. Perhaps they might like to know their child’s strengths and weaknesses. Perhaps they may like to know how you can help them and in return, how to resolve any differences between school and home behaviour.

4. A little respect. Be friendly, never hostile. All families are different. Some are going to be easier to get on with others, but just make sure that you treat all parents as equals and do not discriminate because of personal opinion about background and the like. Treat them as you would wish them to treat you. With parents that you find it difficult to relate to, why not try a little discreet mirroring. Mirror gestures that they make in your own way – but be careful not to do this too often otherwise it can look as though you are laughing at them. Subtlety is key.

5. Talk to the children. If your school is one that allows children to come along to Parents Evening, then talk directly to them. Discuss with the child plans for them to proactively work out any difficulties that they may have. Ownership of a plan is a catalyst for success. Children may feel very threatened by Parents Evening because they are the minority. Support them and reaffirm the positives.

by Lynette Allen, Life Coach

1 Re-think failure!  Reaching for the biscuit tin doesn’t mean automatic weight gain, give yourself permission for the odd blip and you’ll find you won’t slip up as much!

2 Don’t get bored!  When boredom sets in, it’s easy to start rummaging in the cupboard for nibbles, decide to do something else, get concentrating and you’ll forget all about binging.

3 Be prepared.  If you’re a ritual picker, make sure you have fresh vegetables already cut up in the fridge – when the munchies come, you’ll have something on hand.

4 Make your fridge your friend and de-clutter it!  Take away all the left over Christmas so called ‘treats’ and when going round the supermarket, only buy healthy fresh ingredients to fill up your fridge instead.

5 Buddy up!  When crisis hits have someone to call who’ll support you, keep you on track and remind you how far you’ve come.

6 Keep up your spirits by keeping up your steps – best buy is a pedometer –  give it 2 days and you’ll be trying to beat your own record without even realising it!

7 When shopping, go around the supermarket the wrong way!  The easiest way to kick old habits and to see new things is to develop a new routine and this ones a corker!

8 Every night before you sleep visualise yourself feeling slim, calm, healthy and loving life, this gets your subconscious mind in shape as well as your body!

9 Bored of drinking water?  Then don’t!  Make your own smoothies, try herbal and fruit teas, experiment with drinks instead of teas and coffees, there’s more out there than you’d imagine.

10 Know this, if you cut down the amount of sugar you eat, your taste buds will adjust accordingly.  Give it just 2 weeks of making a concerted effort to snack on vegetables and not mars bars, you’ll notice your taste buds changing and you won’t even crave sugar anymore.

Rowdy classrooms? Disruptive children? Even the nicest classes have their moments. Here’’s the perfect way to relax kids.

We all know that if the children have been nice at school, you’’ll have waltzed through the day just that little bit more easily than if you’’ve had to tame the tiny terrors before trying to teach them. This could be the perfect way to ensure that your day is a little less frenetic!

Vanessa is a teacher of a class of very energetic eight- year-olds. She manages to control their behaviour for most of the time and, over the years, has developed a great set of tips for dealing with rising noise levels and disruptive kiddies, but even she has days when nothing seems to work. On occasions she’’s found herself hoarse from trying to beat the noise, frustrated with not being able to teach the children who actually wanted to learn and feeling ill with headaches as a result of the stress.

Vanessa spoke to me about coming up with different ways of dealing with both her own stresses and her class- room skills. We spoke about her personal situation at length, but I also recommended a company I’’d come across called Relax Kids, run by Marneta Viegas. Her whole ethos is based on relaxing children, and her work has proved highly effective both with parents and in schools up and down the country. ‘‘Relax Kids is a gentle and fun way of introducing children to the world of meditation and relaxation, so helping them explore their imaginations and their creative talents,’’ says Marneta. Through her work, Marneta has found that, when children are given the tools to be able to relax properly and deeply, they become calmer, easier to work with in the classroom and more able to take in new information. In short, they make their teachers’’ lives easier!

Below are just two of the exercises that Marneta recom- mends –– and I have to say that they are just magical. Try them with your class.

Get the children to lie down on the floor and get comfort- able and then ask them to close their eyes while they listen to the sound of your voice gently and slowly reading the following.

Floating like a feather:

Close your eyes, be very still and imagine your toes are becoming as light as feathers. They feel as if they’’re about to float into the air. Let them drift upwards. And now, try to feel as if your legs are as light as feathers. They are no longer big and heavy but soft and light. Let your tummy and chest become light, too.

Enjoy this feeling as your body is slowly getting lighter and lighter. Feel that your arms are as light as possible and let your fingers gently relax and float upwards. Finally, let your head become light. Now your whole body is as light as a pile of feathers. You feel soft and relaxed. Slowly allow your body to float upwards and see how light you can be. The lighter you are, the higher you will float. Stay up in the air for as long as you wish, floating totally free. And now, when you are ready, slowly drift down again back to the ground.

Marneta’’s exercises have proved that when children are relaxed, their behaviour improves, their concentration levels develop and their interaction with teachers as well as other children matures. This is about helping children to feel totally at one with themselves, peaceful and calm, not only on the outside but also on the inside. It’’s not about telling them what to do, giving them orders that they’’ll resist or hit back at. These simple exercises are about fuelling their imaginations and inducing deep calm from within.

Relax Kids:

The next exercise is slightly different but just as effective at soothing any classroom on the edge of destruction. Once again, get everyone to lie on the floor or rest their heads in their arms on the desk and take three deep breaths, before gently reading the following.

Relaxing on a soft bed

Close your eyes, be very still and imagine that you’’re lying on your back, on the softest bed in the world. The pillow is so soft and the sheets are made of silk and feel so warm and soft against your body. Very slowly, you feel your legs become more and more relaxed. Your muscles start to relax as you gently sink deeper into the soft bed.

Now, feel your spine starting to open and lengthen. Feel your arms gently sink downwards. Allow your spine to sink gently into the bed. Let your neck and head be free and sink down. Let your legs sink into the softness of the bed. You are lying on such a comfortable bed. It feels so soft and warm. The deeper you relax, the more you gently sink. You feel very calm lying here. In your mind, repeat to yourself, ‘‘I am completely calm. I am completely calm.’’ Stay in this calm state for as long as you wish.

‘‘These exercises changed the way the children felt about themselves and enabled them to concentrate,’’ says advanced-skills teacher, Jo. ‘‘Children are better able to recognise and deal with their feelings in a positive way. Listening to the Relax Kids CDs had a huge impact on their ability to view themselves in a positive way. This was reflected in their behaviour and attitude to their work. Thinking about what it’’s done for me as a teacher, I think the main benefit is that the work creates moments of still- ness in an otherwise chaotic life. The affirmations are a really good reminder of one’’s own value and uniqueness, something adults often forget, especially those of us who, like many teachers, struggle to balance our work and home lives. I love using Relax Kids in short bursts,’’ she told me. ‘‘It breaks up the rigidity of the curriculum.’’

Next time your class need to calm down, take them through the Relax Kids exercises. They’’ll absolutely love them –– and I have a feeling you will, too!

I am not an expert on all aspects of bringing up children. I am an anger management specialist. What I observe is that anger in children and almost everyone can be closely linked to low self esteem. On our Understanding Anger for Parents courses we teach that it is the parent’s responsibility to nurture positive self esteem in their children. Part of the way we do this is by being role models. Like it or not, everything we do when we are with our children is setting an example, good or bad. We also teach that in order for us to nurture our children’s self esteem we need to take responsibility for our own.

A Great analogy for this is the airplane emergency procedures. Anyone who has travelled on an airplane will remember the safety instructions. They always cover cabin decompression and use of the oxygen masks. They always emphasise that you take care of your own oxygen supply before attending to that of your children. You cannot save your children’s lives if you are dead. Equally, you cannot attend to their self esteem if yours is rock bottom.

There is some great material in primary schools that supports you in your efforts as a parent. It is called Social and Emotional Aspects of Learning. If your child’s school has not told you about it, ask them.

So what are my tips for nurturing self esteem?

• Take care of your own.

• Role model positive behaviours all the time.

• Learn to recognise the signs

• Confront their negative comparisons to others and ask them questions that will challenge them to recognise their own strengths.

• Challenge rudeness and poor behaviour but not the child.

• Celebrate their strengths

• Encourage and role model to express how they are feeling.

• Give them firm boundaries. They need these to feel safe.

Parenting is not easy. It sometime appears to be easier to get it wrong than to get it right. We don’t change people overnight so it can be a slow process sometimes. What I do know is that I owe it to my children to continually improve how I model behaviours and feelings so that I give them the best opportunity in life to grow into balanced and whole adults.

The lists above are not definitive. Nor is there enough space in these to go into huge amounts of details about how to. We go into more detail in our courses for parents and even more depth on our pure anger management courses.

Everyone knows the arrival of children will dramatically change your life forever.  However, who was really prepared for the reality?   The spontaneity and flexibility you enjoyed in your previous life is gone for the foreseeable future, as is your 7 hours of peaceful sleep a night.   In their place comes endless nappy changes, breast or bottle feeding, bathing, dressing, undressing, feeding, wiping, chasing little people around with tissues trying to wipe their little snotty noses and not be that parent “who lets their child exist with two tramlines of snot running out of their nose”.  Then there is the homework, school runs, children’s activities, floors covered with toys, mess, splattered food, and this is all in addition to the everyday activities faced by the whole nation of washing, cleaning, shopping, cooking, more cleaning and, for some, work.

It is no surprise that sometimes parents of young or not so young families can suddenly feel isolated from the rest of society.  “It’s difficult to socialise with a baby,” says Nanette, mother of one.  What with all the activity cited above, who could possibly find time for themselves, let alone maintain existing and start new friendships?

Once you have mastered the initial first few months of parenthood, stopped the fire-fighting and have established some sort of routine, is it possible to start planning some sort of social interaction?  New challenges have arisen during this time……   tiredness, lower energy levels and the potentially perilous search for a suitable babysitter….

So how do you start rebuilding a social life which embraces your new family unit?

Let’s tackle the new challenges first.

Tiredness and lack of energy

Did you know that two-thirds of parents of children aged under two get a maximum of 3 ¾ hours sleep per night?  The chances are you are one of those parents or have been in the past to some extent.   We apparently need a minimum of 5 hours sleep to operate reasonably.  “Anyone who say they don’t suffer from lack of sleep after having a baby is lying!” says Caroline, mother of 1 year old Luke.  “My husband and I agreed that I would go to bed after the 9.30 p.m. feed and he would do the 11 p.m. one, so I could get a couple of hours extra sleep before the 3 a.m. feed.”

If you are finding tiredness is stopping you going out, what can you do?

Try and snatch some sleep when your children take a nap.

Bottle feed your baby at night to ensure your child goes to bed on a full stomach and is less likely to wake in the night.

If you are usually do the night feeds, negotiate a couple of nights a week where your partner takes responsibility and you can take the opportunity to catch up on lost sleep.  This is, of course, very dependent on your circumstances.

If money allows, employ a cleaner.

Babysitters

A good and reliable babysitter is hard to find unless you are blessed with parents or in-laws living close by.  Even then, you can be faced with the guilt of asking them to sit for you AGAIN!  “Finding a babysitter is very difficult.  I mean, who do you trust with your family?” says Sarah, mother of two.  “If you are lucky like us to have family and good friends close by, it is not a problem.”

If parents and relatives are not available to you, the additional cost of a babysitter is likely to put more parents off going out too much.   What can you do?

One idea is to start your own babysitting group.  Gather together a group of reliable friends and each babysit for each other in turns.   For example, three hours spent babysitting for your friend will mean that he or she must do the same for you.  “Friends of mine have set up babysitting circles whereby they each take a turn in babysitting,” says Sarah.  This will allow you some time to re-connect with old friends and your old self, or spend some quality time with your partner.   Of course, the downside is you have to invest time in order to get your green card to go out.   However, in these cash-strapped times, it is a cost-effective way of securing a reliable babysitter for your children.

Assuming you have addressed the lack of energy, tiredness and any babysitting issues, what next?

Old Friends

Don’t lose touch with your old friends just because you have moved into the next stage of life and have children and they don’t.  Chances are they are dying to meet with you and catch up but might not realise you are available to see them.  “Sometimes you could meet up with friends but they assume you aren’t able to or are too tired, so you slip off the social radar,” says Nanette, mother of one. Get in touch.  Phone and email them.  Arrange to meet for lunch, dinner, a drink or coffee, whatever time allows.  Obviously long evenings spent pubbing and clubbing may no longer be ideal for you.  Remember the early morning wake up call you are destined to get the next day from your children!

Friends with children are definitely easier to catch up with as they too can empathise with the “unexpected”.

New Friends and Opportunities

Naturally if your old friends are still to settle down, a couple of attempts at joining them on the partying scene may be enough to have you cross that activity firmly off your list.  Hangovers and children do not mix…. The thought sends shivers down my spine.

So where can you meet and make new friends?   The opportunities are endless.  Having children opens the door to a whole new world….

Join a baby and toddler group

Coffee mornings/afternoon tea with other parents and their children

Invite your children’s friends round to tea and get to know their parents

Get involved with your child’s school on the PTA or as classroom assistant

Volunteer, for example, for Home Start or a similar charity which enlists the help of parents to help other parents and their families

Take up a new sport or physical activity, which both you and your children can partake in, for instance, tennis, swimming, golf, buggy fit classes, running, biking, hiking.  Obviously, some of these suggestions require your children to be of a certain age.   By joining an appropriate club, this opens the door to other people with the same interests.

Attend children related events at a local library.

Organise days out with new friends and families.  Old favourites such as a trip to the zoo, museums, amusement parks, bowling and ice-skating go down a treat with keeping the kids entertained.  Equally, there are some useful websites offering suggestions for different and varied activities to suit all tastes and budgets.   The National Trust holds children related events.  Visit their website to view what’s on. (www.nationaltrust.org.uk).   Another useful website is  www.dayoutwiththekids.co.uk which offers ideas for days out in your county.   For families with slightly older children,  www.goape.co.uk will offer a day out never to be forgotten flying down zip wires and up in the trees.

“The NCT group were very good to me,” says Caroline. “A year down the line we still meet up every week.  The nice thing about the group is the common interest in the little ones.  The other mums were a great support to me.”

“I keep in touch with my NHS group,” says Nanette. “We go to baby groups, picnics in the park or to each others’ houses.”

With a little planning and thought, recreating your social life with children is achievable and possible.  With the options now available, it looks like families and friends can expect a lot of fun times ahead.  Get yourself out there and have fun!