Self Esteem

Why would I write about self esteem?

Quite simply a huge number of people who walk through our doors have low self esteem and this is a major source of anger for them.

So many of the issues I see each day are caused by self esteem.

To be clear, self esteem is the image we have of ourselves. It is how highly we value ourselves. It is the overall personal evaluation of self worth. It strikes to the very core our existence in today’s world and most of us do not pay enough attention to it.

Actually, that last statement is incorrect. I observe many, many people paying too much attention to their self esteem but in the wrong way. A classic example is played out on Facebook every minute of every day. Someone who is not feeling particularly good about themselves will write on their wall for all to see “I am feeling unhappy.”

Now it is clear to you and I that that statement was not written purely to inform. It was aimed at a result. The normal response is that several friends of this person write underneath “what’s wrong? What’s up? Are you OK? We are here for you..” and so on. This allows the originator to pour out their tale of woe and get platitudes and sympathy from all around.

Does it work?

It does make them feel better. It makes them feel better for at least half an hour and then they feel low again. What will they do now? The answer is usually, look for another form of “positive stroke” from their friends and so the cycle carries on.

What I describe there is fairly low level self esteem provoked behaviour.

What about other more serious issues such as –

• Bullying – I feel really low. To make myself feel better I am going to try and make you feel worse than I do. This is played out in every workplace and playground all over the world.
• Anger – I am scared, I may get hurt so I will get angry in order to hide my fear. This is connected to negative core beliefs (see below)
• Serious attention seeking – playing up, sulking, shutting you out because I don’t know how to communicate how I feel.
• Spending money – another short term hit with long term consequences
• Self harming – this is serious and complicated behaviour and is fundamental to self worth. It includes eating disorders
• Invading other countries – I’ll let you work that one out

A common question is how do we get low self esteem?

That is too deep for me to go into now but suffice to say it is a combination of nature and nurture, resilience, and the way we were treated by those we respected and loved as we grew up.

A key area is that over time, we develop opinions about ourselves. These are called core beliefs.  Those of us with low self esteem have negative core beliefs. Because, as humans, our minds are set to pattern match, then once we have a negative core belief such as “I am useless” it is relatively easy to find evidence to support it. Of course while we do this we instinctively ignore all the evidence that is out there that may contradict this belief. Because it is a belief.

Something that is easier to define is how we undermine ourselves or how we actively reduce our own sense of self worth.

• Competing and comparing ourselves with others – I am all for competition but when you continually compare yourself to others you will inevitably demean yourself.
• Putting others on a pedestal – It’s ok to admire but how many of us have said “I could never do that..?.”
• Denying and deflecting compliments – one of the most common games we play with ourselves in this repressed society.
• Setting ourselves up to fail – Setting unrealistic goals and then when they are not met “Its all gone wrong, I knew it would!”
• Attracting others to us and investing in those who will ultimately let us down – How many people do you know who continually attract and have relationships with partners that do long term damage to them?

Stopping ourselves doing these things requires lots of effort but in itself is life changing. So if you manage to stop undermining yourself how do you maintain and improve your self esteem?

This is an industry in its own right. There are more personal development courses out there that claim to improve your self esteem than almost anything else. They can involve everything from paying someone to tell you that you are wonderful to reclaiming your primeval instincts and howling like a wolf (yes, there is, believe me). There aren’t many that put the simple proposition to you that, as an adult, you are responsible for maintaining your self esteem. To put it another way, it is no one else’s responsibility to maintain your self esteem unless, of course, you are a child

Here is a list of ways in which we can all pay attention to and build or maintain our self esteem –

• Be honest about your own strengths
• Learn to take a positive view of your limitations. They are a gift.
• Positive self affirmation
• Work with a personal coach to uncover negative core beliefs
• Take honest feedback from others.
• Take compliments for what they are.
• Confront your fears about yourself. They are so often unfounded.

How  much we value ourselves affects every area of our life from the way we treat others (adults and children) to how much risk we take and how we deal with life’s painful  lessons (that’s life’s gifts in South Coast USA therapy speak). This is why we take time to cover it in our courses and why we are on a mission to educate parents. We want to help them realise that it is not too late to help their children grow into healthy, mature balanced adults.